Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger decides to start up his own podcast.


**Krieger did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just something that came out of my tiny little mind.**

 **Krieger's Korner **

"Welcome to Krieger's Korner," Krieger waved to the camera. "This is my first podcast for all you science cats and kittens out there. Speaking of cats…Schnuckiputzi stop licking yourself."

"Meow…"

"I'd like to introduce everyone," Krieger went on. "My cohost Pam."

"Whazzzaaaaaaaap!" Pam cheered.

"My producer Ray," Krieger added.

"Howdy Y'all," Ray said cheerfully.

"And somewhere around here is Cheryl," Krieger looked around. "Cheryl? Where are you?"

"Down here," Pam pointed to the floor. "She had too many of your new batch of groovy bears and is passed out on the floor again."

"To be fair it wasn't all groovy bears," Ray corrected. "She had some shots of glue and scotch earlier. And then some absinthe to top it off."

"Yeah that would do it," Krieger nodded. "She's still breathing right?"

"Oh yeah," Pam waved. "She's fine. She's just smiling like an idiot in her sleep."

"Okay so why don't we use that to provide a springboard to jump to our first topic?" Krieger sighed. "Legalizing certain drugs. Like marijuana."

"In case you haven't figured it out," Ray added. "This group is **for it."**

"I think marijuana is a **step down** in our case," Pam laughed. "That reminds me, Ray. How's your brother doing?"

"Pretty well," Ray shrugged. "He managed to get in the prison farming program. Growing all sorts of things. He actually got promoted to tomatoes."

"Ray's brother is in the pen for being a drug dealer," Pam explained.

"Drug **farmer!** " Ray snapped. "He only grew marijuana! He didn't sell it to anyone but his supplier!"

"He got twenty years to life for **that?** " Krieger asked.

"No, mostly because of the shootout with the cops," Ray sighed. "And half the weapons he had were illegal."

"Didn't you and Archer supply him with guns?" Krieger asked.

"That's not what got him in trouble," Ray said. "Seriously who buys land mines from Afghanistan?"

"You'd be surprised," Krieger coughed. "How about his wife Janelle?"

"Don't talk to me about that bitch," Ray grumbled. "She managed to get several decades off her sentence by ratting on not only my brother, but who his supplier is and a few dozen other people. Randy was not happy about that."

"I take it your brother is divorcing Janelle?" Krieger asked.

"Or looking for someone to whack her?" Pam snickered.

"No comment," Ray sighed. "Let's just say it's cheaper to divorce her. Apparently, they are still fighting over custody of the chickens. Don't ask. Anyway, good riddance to bad rubbish. Mama never liked her anyway."

"Why'd they get married in the first place?" Pam asked. "It's not like she was knocked up? Was she?"

"No, they don't have kids," Ray explained. "She got her claws into him because she thought he was going places."

"He did," Pam snickered. "The state pen."

"Burn!" Krieger quipped.

"You know?" Ray glared at them.

Pam then said. "But seriously Krieger, this is a pretty tame topic for a first podcast."

"You think legalizing drug use is a **tame topic**?" Ray asked.

"Honestly, it's been done to death," Pam said. "Everybody talks about it. What you need Krieger is something different! Something that will make you **stand out!"**

"Even more than having a cyborg cat in the recording studio?" Ray remarked.

"Meow."

"Technically it's not a studio per say," Krieger corrected. "It's the bullpen of the Figgis Agency after hours. But I see what you mean Pam. What do you have in mind?"

"This is a science podcast, right?" Pam asked. "Let's talk about cyborgs! Especially since Archer isn't here to whine about them."

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in this topic as well," Ray admitted.

"Ooh cyborg pets!" Krieger grew excited. "Think of the possibilities if we gave our four-legged friends bionics!"

"Think of the lawsuits from the ASPCA if we did that," Ray groaned.

"Bionics in family pets to make them live longer," Krieger added.

"Some of the pets my relatives had lived **long enough** ," Pam quipped. "My aunt once had a twenty-three-year-old cat that gave her rabies. And she still kept the damn thing! Both of them coughed up hairballs for years."

"Improved reflexes and sensors in police dogs," Krieger added.

"An improved nose for when that dog sniffs your crotch," Pam added.

"With a memory chip even a goldfish can have an impeccable memory," Krieger said. "Instead of forgetting everything in a few seconds."

"That's actually a myth," Ray spoke up. "Some goldfish have been proven to have a memory span as long as three months."

"Still longer than Cheryl's," Pam snickered. "Speaking of which…"

"What are we doing?" Cheryl sat up with a yawn. "Are we just jumping right into this or…?"

"This is Cheryl Tunt," Krieger introduced. "She sort of pops in and out of reality when it suits her."

"Look who's talking," Ray remarked.

"So what are we doing?" Cheryl asked as she got off the floor and sat on a couch.

"Krieger's podcast," Pam pointed to the camera. "The topic is cyborg pets."

"Why would you want a cyborg as a pet?" Cheryl asked confused. "Isn't that like slavery?"

"Not **human** cyborgs as pets!" Ray snapped. "Animal cyborg pets!"

"Ooooooohhh," Cheryl nodded. "Well that makes **a lot** more sense!"

"So, would you want Babou your pet ocelot to be a cyborg?" Krieger asked.

"I don't want Babou as he **is now**!" Cheryl snapped. "Let alone as an unstoppable machine! Unless you can stop him from pissing all over my furniture."

"You really should put that animal in some kind of day care or something," Pam said.

"Ocelot day care," Ray remarked. "Is that a thing?"

"Used to be," Cheryl said. "Believe it or not my Cousin Salvador tried that. Didn't take off. Believe it or not, ocelots aren't the weirdest pets my family has had."

"I believe it," Ray winced absently putting his bionic hand in a fist. "Like those stupid evil killer plants you have."

"Weirder than that," Cheryl said. "My Great Aunt Petunia Tunt claimed to own an actual unicorn."

"Let me guess," Pam said. "It was either a goat or a horse with a horn glued on it?"

"No, it was a rhinoceros," Cheryl shook her head. "Petunia's eyesight was never good. And she was often very confused. And should have listened to her butler when he insisted that she not try to ride it."

"You mean she…?" Ray did a double take.

"SPLAT!" Cheryl nodded. "It was the flattest casket in Tunt family history. And the second time a rhinoceros was put on trial for murdering a Tunt."

"Okay I have to know," Krieger said. "So did the rhinoceros end up like Edison's elephant?"

"No, he got off," Cheryl shook her head. "Had a great lawyer that convinced the judge that the rhino killed Petunia in self-defense. Ended up in a zoo where it lived a happy life. Until one day the zoo burned down."

"Cheryl your family history is weirder than mine," Krieger remarked. "And that's a pretty high bar to beat!"

"Still there were some pets that were even weirder than that," Cheryl said.

"What?" Pam snickered. "One of your relatives thought they had a dragon but it was really an alligator?"

"That actually happened in my family," Ray admitted. "I had a really drunk uncle that lived in Florida."

"No, but some of my relatives had a komono dragon," Cheryl said. "Not as big as the one Krieger made but I'm talking about something even weirder."

"Oh, I have got to hear this one," Pam remarked. "If **you** think it's weird it has to be a good story!"

"You might appreciate this Krieger," Cheryl said. "My Uncle Chester Tunt had a pet germ."

"I'm sorry I misheard you," Krieger blinked. "You mean a pet **gerbil?"**

"No," Cheryl corrected. "A pet **germ.** Singular."

"As in a **single** germ," Krieger blinked. " **One** single germ? As a pet."

"How is that **possible**?" Ray asked.

"Well he put it in a small container," Cheryl said. "His name was Jermaine. Uncle Chester carried him everywhere."

"Jermaine the Germ," Krieger blinked. "That is weird even for me."

"Told you," Cheryl said.

"Uncle Chester was a lonely child," Cheryl said. "But he was interested in science from the beginning. So, he captured a single germ and put it in a small container and from that day on Jermaine was his constant companion."

"Please tell me Jermaine wasn't his companion to the prom," Ray groaned.

"Don't be ridiculous," Cheryl waved. "Uncle Chester was a Tunt in the old days. He was homeschooled with tutors. He didn't even go to high school. And the first dance he ever did go to he went with his first cousin like a normal person."

"Of course," Ray said dryly. "How silly of me."

"It's a common mistake," Cheryl waved. "Jermaine was his best and sometimes only friend. Until he got married. Not to the first cousin. That didn't work out."

"It rarely does," Ray added.

"I know right?" Cheryl scoffed. "He got married to his third cousin twice removed."

"I know something that should have been removed a long time ago," Pam quipped. "From the gene pool of the entire human race."

"Uncle Chester's wife hated Jerome," Cheryl said. "Until one day she broke his glass case. By stepping on it. Repeatedly."

"Well that was stupid," Krieger said. "Did she get up getting infected with a horrible disease?"

"Oh no. Turns out Jermaine was actually a small piece of dust," Cheryl explained. "My Uncle Chester was a lousy scientist."

"Obviously," Krieger blinked.

"That's when Uncle Chester renamed Jerome," Cheryl added. "From that day on he called him Dusty."

"I have no response to that," Pam blinked.

"Oooooo-kay. Let's move onto another topic, shall we?" Krieger suggested.

"Good idea," Ray groaned.

"Oh, here's an interesting fact," Krieger looked at some notes. "Recently NASA discovered that Jupiter's moon Europa has an ocean even bigger than Earth's under a layer of ice! And you know the old saying…"

"Never let an under butler do a butler's work?" Cheryl asked. "Especially if it involves cleaning up bloodstains?"

"No," Krieger said. "Where there's water, there's life! Who knows? Maybe there is intelligent life out there?"

"I hope so," Pam quipped. "Because there's very little intelligent life **right here!"**

"I know, right?" Cheryl giggled.

"Did you know the fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18 miles per hour?" Krieger asked.

"Big whoop," Cheryl waved. "Drugs can go through a Tunt's body at least twenty-five miles per hour!"

"I believe that," Pam nodded.

"That does explain a few things," Ray nodded.

"A typical lifetime of a cumulus cloud is between ten to fifteen minutes," Krieger added.

"Coincidentally," Ray added. "That's also the same lifespan a few of your science assistants had when they started working for you."

Krieger went on. "A molecule of water will stay in Earth's atmosphere for an average duration of 10-12 days."

"That's also the same length of time your lab animals survive," Pam added.

"Still longer than some of the assistants and interns that worked with us," Ray remarked.

"During a hurricane," Krieger went on. "Ninety percent of the people who die end up dying from drowning."

"That happened to quite a few of my relatives," Cheryl spoke up. "Some died of drowning because they refused to leave their plantation during a storm. Some died because they refused to leave their island homes during a hurricane. One drove his car into a flooded street because he was an idiot. One died of drowning in a hurricane when he refused to get out of a pool he was swimming in during a storm…He was going for some kind of world record."

"For what?" Ray asked. "Stupidest death?"

"Did you know that scientists discover 41 new species of something every **single day**?" Krieger asked.

"And most of them from **your lab** ," Ray remarked.

"Meow," Schnuckiputzi meowed.

"See what I mean?" Ray pointed at the cyborg cat.

"A single bolt of lightning can cook over 100,000 pieces of toast!" Krieger said.

"Nobody tell Milton that," Pam remarked. "He might worry he'll be out of a job."

Krieger went on. "Human saliva contains a painkiller called opiorphin that is six times more powerful than morphine."

"Huh," Cheryl remarked. "No wonder my drug addicted Aunt Petunia used to lick herself all the time. That explains a lot."

"I wonder if cat saliva has the same ability," Ray looked at Schnuckiputzi licking herself.

"If it's true that does explain why that damn cat licks her ass all day," Pam snickered. "Damn it. So would I."

"Me too," Cheryl agreed.

Ray and Krieger looked at each other. "Yeah…" They admitted at the same time.

"Here's an interesting fact," Krieger said. "The interstellar gas cloud Sagittarius B contains billions upon billions of liters of alcohol. That's right. There's such a thing as space alcohol."

"Another reason why we should continue our space program," Ray said.

"Are you kidding?" Pam snickered. "If Ms. Archer found out about that she might fund it herself so she could get a stake in that!"

"In 2.3 billion years it will be too hot for life on Earth," Krieger said.

"Again," Ray quipped. "Another reason to work on our space program."

"I don't know," Cheryl said. "All that lovely heat and fire. It sounds like a dream to me."

Pam looked at Cheryl. "Something tells me you and the Marvel character Pyro would get along like a house on fire."

"If those two ever got together," Ray added. "They'd probably **set** a house on fire!"

"Why just set a house on fire when we could burn down a whole neighborhood?" Cheryl asked.

"Pray to God this crossover never happens in real life," Pam groaned.

"Moving on," Krieger said. "The human brain takes in over 11 million bits of information every second but is only aware of forty."

"And in some cases," Pam looked at Cheryl. "Even less than that."

"In 1933," Krieger said. "Scientists made a unicorn bull. Which really isn't that impressive considering I can not only make unicorn pigs, I can probably make a real unicorn. I have trouble getting the tail just right. Not to mention that slight flesh-eating problem. Don't worry. One day I'll crack it."

"Oh goody," Ray rolled his eyes. "Something to look forward to."

"Stomach acid is strong enough…" Krieger began.

"To dissolve razor blades," Pam finished. "I knew that. You want to know why?"

"Not really," Ray blinked.

"Let's just say I've done some pretty crazy things in underground betting," Pam sighed. "I mean there are things you think you can't do and win at. Until you find out that the Yakuza is betting on you and will lose a lot of money if they fail. And then…"

"That's **enough** Pam," Ray interrupted. "Krieger continue. Please."

"Do you know what the most dangerous animal in the world is?" Krieger asked. "The common housefly. That's because of all the different diseases it comes into contact with and can transmit."

"I don't know," Ray remarked. "I think an alligator can give a housefly a run for its money."

"Yeah you can't squash an alligator with a flyswatter," Pam agreed.

"Spraying a fly with Lysol kills it too," Cheryl added. "Spray an alligator with Lysol and it just gets mad."

"That's exactly what happened with my Uncle Stumpy," Ray admitted.

"Honey does not spoil," Krieger added. "You can easily eat honey that is thousands of years old and it would still be edible."

"Pity the same can't be said for whatever is in our office refrigerator," Ray said. "Seriously what is some of that stuff in here? I swear I saw something **moving** the other day."

"Did you know cuttlefish communicate just by changing colors?" Krieger added.

"Did you know I can communicate using simple hand gestures?" Pam quipped. "What gives Krieger? It sounds like you're just reading science facts at random?"

"Well this is a science podcast!" Krieger said. "I have to talk about _something_ scientific and educational!"

"Why not just show one of your crazy experiments?" Cheryl asked. "This is a video podcast, right?"

"Hey there's a thought…" Krieger realized.

"Oh, why did you tell him **that?** " Ray groaned.

"Especially since this building doesn't have any insurance," Pam added.

"It'll be great! I know just the thing!" Krieger got up. "Hang on!" He left the room.

"To what?" Cheryl asked. "What are we supposed to hang onto?"

"A fire extinguisher?" Ray guessed. "The number for poison control?"

"Why did we agree to do this again?" Pam asked Ray.

"We were bored," Ray told her.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.

"Beats actually doing work," Cheryl agreed.

"Okay I got it," Krieger came in with some rods of metal under his arm and a small pot. "Did you know there are some metals that react explosively with **water**?"

"You mean like your Krieger Springs water?" Pam asked.

"No. I mean regular plain water," Krieger grinned. "And we're going to demonstrate it for our viewers!"

"This will not end well," Ray winced.

"Here is a regular pot of water," Krieger showed. "And here is a rod of pure lithium."

"Uh oh…" Ray gulped.

"Relax this one isn't so bad," Krieger waved. "Watch!"

The metal started to fizzle. "It's cooking like an egg on a skillet!" Pam gasped. "Cool!"

"That's because the lithium is releasing hydrogen and gradually forming a clear solution of lithium hydroxide," Krieger explained.

"This isn't so bad," Ray realized. "It's actually kind of neat."

"Lithium is slow and gentle," Krieger said. "But neat to watch. Onto the next batch!"

"Krieger why don't we quit while we're ahead?" Ray asked. "And still have our heads and other extremities attached to our bodies?"

"Don't worry," Krieger waved. "I know what I'm doing. Next is a rod made up of sodium!"

"Look at that baby sizzle!" Pam whooped as Krieger put the rod into the water and it fizzled.

"Who knew science could be so violent?" Cheryl squealed with glee.

"Every intern Krieger ever worked with," Ray groaned.

"Next is potassium!" Krieger grinned as he took out another small metal rod. "Watch out! This baby has a bit of a kick!"

"Uh Krieger…" Ray gulped as he put the next rod in the water.

FOOM!

A bluish pink flame emitted from the pot. "OH YEAH!" Krieger whooped. "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

"EEEEHHH!" Cheryl squealed with glee. "BEST SCIENCE PROJECT **EVER!** "

"Oh boy…" Pam watched the flame get higher.

"And now," Krieger took out another rod. "A rod of a metal alloy I created just for this! Kriegnoblium!"

"DUCK AND COVER!" Ray screamed. He and Pam ducked behind the furniture. Pam grabbed a giggling Cheryl and pulled her under with her.

"MEOW!" Schnuckiputzi wisely fled the room.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

That's when the video stopped. The majority of the Figgis Agency minus Mallory was revealed to be watching the entire episode on the large screen TV in what was left of the bullpen.

The bullpen by the way was half wrecked and there were some areas that had been burned.

Cyril looked at Krieger, Ray, Pam and Cheryl. "And **that's** why our bullpen is wrecked and smells like burnt metal?"

"Pretty much yes," Krieger admitted. The four of them looked slightly scorched.

"But look at all those likes our podcast got!" Pam pointed.

"That's what you get when you end your show with a **bang**!" Cheryl cheered. Everyone looked at her. "What? Too soon?"

"I wonder if it's too soon for me to go to the bars and get a drink?" Cyril moaned.


End file.
